Why You Don’t Need to “Forgive and Forget” to Heal

The Pressure to “Forgive and Forget”

If you’ve ever shared your story and someone responded with “You just need to forgive and move on,” you’re not alone. Survivors of childhood sexual abuse often face intense pressure—from family, friends, or even parts of themselves—to “forgive and forget.”

But here’s the truth: forgiveness is not a requirement for healing. And forgetting? That’s not possible—or necessary.

Healing from trauma isn’t about erasing the past. It’s about learning how to live safely and fully in the present, even while carrying what’s happened to you.

Why Forgiveness Isn’t Always Helpful

Many people misunderstand forgiveness. They see it as a moral duty, a sign of “letting go.” But for survivors of childhood sexual trauma, that mindset can feel invalidating.

You might think:

• “If I forgive them, it’s like saying it was okay.”

• “If I don’t forgive, does that mean I’ll stay broken?”

Neither is true. Forgiveness can only come—if at all—on your own terms, and only when it feels safe. Forgiveness is not a requirement for healing. Healing doesn’t require forgiving someone who harmed you; and quite frankly, maybe they don't deserve forgiveness. Healing requires acknowledging what happened and tending to your pain.

“Forgetting” Isn’t Real or Kind

Trauma lives in the body and nervous system. Even if your mind tries to forget, your body remembers—through anxiety, triggers, or chronic tension.

“Forget and move on” might sound like closure, but in reality, it often means suppressing pain that deserves compassion and care. You can’t heal by ignoring the wound. You heal by gently acknowledging it and creating new ways to feel safe.

What Healing Actually Looks Like

Healing from childhood sexual trauma often looks less like “forgive and forget” and more like:

• Learning how to feel safe in your body again

• Setting boundaries that protect your peace

• Speaking your truth, even when it feels uncomfortable

• Feeling anger and sadness without shame

• Choosing compassion for yourself first

Some survivors find peace through forgiveness. Others find peace through acceptance, boundaries, and self-compassion. Both are valid.

You Get to Define Your Healing

There is no single right way to heal. You don’t have to meet anyone else’s expectations—not your family’s, not your community’s, not society’s.

If you’re still angry, that’s okay. If you’re not ready to forgive, that’s okay. If you never want to forgive, that’s okay too.

Your healing belongs to you. And real healing isn’t about forgetting your pain—it’s about honoring it, integrating it, and slowly reclaiming your sense of safety and power.

If You’re Ready for Support

You don’t have to navigate this alone. Working with a trauma-informed therapist can help you process what happened in a safe, compassionate space—without pressure to forgive or minimize your experience.

If you’re in Ottawa, Toronto, or Montreal, I offer trauma therapy for survivors of childhood sexual abuse, helping you reconnect with your body, your voice, and your sense of self—on your terms.